When you have to marry your mother-in-law
You Might Also Like
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
The three genders
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
This squirrel eats better than I do
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.