[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
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You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.