Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
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It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
*frowns in Scottish*
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
when nothing goes right… go left
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Single and childfree like Jesus
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.