Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.![]()
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Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
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[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
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8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever