[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
look at me when i’m typing to you
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.