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Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.