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You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]