I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
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I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Oh deer
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.