I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
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Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob