We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
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twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]