5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
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Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I beg your pardon?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Milk Cube
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes