You Might Also Like
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.