DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
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I am, perchance
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.