I think that’s enough internet for one day…
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When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe