everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
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COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
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Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet