80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
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[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?