Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
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I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
his wife is probably gonna see that
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Mornin. * use accordingly
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?