When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
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Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
*puts cutlery down*
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Raisins are grape jerky.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”