My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
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Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Rooting for the overdog
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it