I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
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named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!