Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
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today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake