If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
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Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
sign of the times 🖊
