If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
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A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
For the orator and chef in all of us
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Haha good job!!
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.