trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
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[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”