I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
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just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
the official breakfast of 2021
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Meeeee too!
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker