me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
You Might Also Like
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .