The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
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[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
🖤✌🏽
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
A friend sent me this.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.