Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
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If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!