one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
it was a valiant fight
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.