I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
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Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Everything reminds me of my ex
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
very niche meme I made
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.