*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
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The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?