comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
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My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.