Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
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Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
From my Mom
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I’m about to risk it all
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.