lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
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in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Solving a traffic jam
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.