Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
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grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath