lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

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Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there


grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them


I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.


Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!


AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.


*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*


[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.


5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath