I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
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Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
How do you like your Corgi?