[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
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Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”