My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
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Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
OH. COME. ON.