A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
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When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
New comic up. “Ransom”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”