[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
You Might Also Like
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Its true…
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!