Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
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My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Nomnomnomnom
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Ghost costume 😂
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before