“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.