Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
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😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.