10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
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to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
(more comics:
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally