“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
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A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar