Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
You Might Also Like
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”