As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
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Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
🙂🐾
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs