As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.