I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Ferrari squats
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.