*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
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sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
At least try to make it slightly believable
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
three things we don’t talk about
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000