When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.