Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
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I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia