sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
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when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
*pronounces fake like saké*
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!